From: Fargo Farnsworth, Head of Utensils, Glassware, Baubles, and Kitchen Miscellany
How many times has this happened to you: You’ve just gorged yourself on four bags of double-salted tortilla chips, and washed it down with a dozen packets of ramen noodle seasoning. Suddenly, you’re feeling a bit peckish for something moist. But how do you get it? Bottled water is expensive, but taps are so complicated. Who can keep their grip on a glass when the water starts shooting out with the force of 18 thoroughbred stallions, causing it to crash and shatter into a soggy, jagged mess that soaks your shirt and lacerates your face?
That’s why Karismatiq Omnicorp has invented a brand-new, partially pre-filled glass. No more wasting your precious time trying to operate one of those confusing faucets or putting yourself in the deadly path of flowing water. You’ll love the third of a cup of water you can get with no fuss, no muss, and no pus.
Plus, it’s decorated with tiny fish! Normally, when you try to decorate a glass with tiny fish, you risk squirting paint all over your television and your pet gecko when you try to dab a bit on your palette, or stabbing yourself in the face with a paintbrush that was sharpened by yakuza. And the clean-up! It can take hours of soaking, and who’s got the energy to scrub and shake and daub the brush on a piece of absorbent tissue paper. Not me!
The Karismatiq Omnicorp Partially Filled Fish-Decorated Glass can save you 500, 800, or even 13,000 dollars per year! But you won’t pay 13,000 dollars. It’s only six easy payments of $29.95. And, for the first person who walks into the break room, we’ll give it to you absolutely free! That’s right, absolutely free!
Just don’t drop this one while you’re trying to drink from it, or we’re going to have to turn you into our next infomercial.