From: Ross Valentine, Head of Cross-Promotions and Pastries
Yo, yo, yo, whuddup? I gotz some strange for allz youz up in da hizzouse!
What if you gotz some popcorn and you make it go pop pop pop like you’re its pimp and its john tried to “negotiate” for some butt action after you already gived him a deal becuz you was filmin’ it for youz Pinterest page to drum up some new bidness.
And then, you’re like, “This pop pop is da titz! But what would make it more titzier is dumpin’ it in dis caramel shizz dat we just happen to have bubblin’ in a copper pot right up in heeeeeeere!” And you stirz it upz wit dat paddle thingy until it is smoov like the purr of a Yugo that banged a crocodile, and sweeter den fishin’ at the reservoir.
But just then, there’s like this ninja dude, which is weird dat you see cuz he’s in all black but you look up at the sun and think, “Yo, dudez, that sun is out like NP to da H so it must be dizzle tizzle time” and that’s why you can see the ninja, only suddenly he’z up in your grillz and you’re like, “Whoa where’d you get from,” and he’s like, “I tried to approach you slowly to avoid surprising you, but you were distracted by staring at the sun,” and you’re like, “Peace man, respect.” But before you can bump nips wit your bro he covers your carmoz pop pop in some choco choc and disappearz in a puff of smoke.
And he also slipped it into a baggy like it was some blow or maybe hiz wanger, and slapped a label on it saying it was from Saint lulu’z churchhole, like it was some blow or maybe hiz wanger. But doz tings don’t go togetty, so it seems like it’s a code or a plot or summing. And then I thought, Saint lulu, dat’s where I got the baptismerizin’ back fitty tree years ago, and preacher Dicky dick is prolly still dere, cuz he don’t get out much.
And I walk into hiz ricky racky rectory and I’m like, “PDD, yo, you know me!” And he’s all, “Wut?” But I go, “St. Lulu’z bumpin’ uglies wit da snow fariez, cuz I am in!”And he’s all, “no, I think you should leave, it’s almost time for Hot Bench.” And I’m like, no probs, catch you on the flippy, and if nots, I gots my sweet poppy pop!
But then I got back to the office and I realized, yo, I have Type 2 dizzlebitties, and I needz to watch my sugar intake. So I think, yo, what am I gonna do with these pop pops, and then I think, K-O co-workers in da hizzouse! So the poppy pop is in the break room for anyone who wants, like, a salad made of corn, but also a salad made of candy. Have at it!