From: Indigo Charish, Director of Gelatines and Goos
We have placed one dozen cookies in the break room.
You will note that these cookies are “Back to School” themed. While we hope you take some measure of pleasure in them, please do not be deceived by the adorable label. These cookies represent one of the most notable steps forward in gelatin and goo technology.
Embedded in the icing of each and every cookie are two English teachers, three math teachers, two biology professors, one early literacy specialist, four ESL tutors, two school librarians, one speech language pathologist, two gym teachers, one special education instructor, six teacher assistants, and one art teacher. Oh, yeah, and the health teacher, but they don’t really count, do they?
We’ve patented a process to convert those 25 hardworking professionals into approximately one tablespoon of icing. While most of the teachers provide a full-bodied flavor with evenly balanced sweetness and pastiness, the special education instructor provides an appetizing mustard-yellow flavor. (The sprinkles come from the librarians. We’re not sure exactly how that happened; it’s an unexpected byproduct of the smushing, but we aren’t planning to investigate it. Sprinkles fall outside of our mission.)
We believe the side effects of eating these cookies will be completely beneficial, including enhanced intellectual capacity, a love of lifelong learning, the ability to write on a chalkboard without squeaking, and a yearning to coat all tweed jackets with leather patches.
All other perceived side effects likely have other causes, as these cookies were made in a peanut and tree nut free facility, and are therefore harmless.
(If you do begin breathing fire or rambling about how sociology is actually a science, please contact us immediately for decontamination and quarantine.)