Free in the Break Room: Salty Mixed Nuts

Package of a variety of nutsFrom: Betty from HR, Head of Human Resources

Hi everyone! Betty from HR here, and I’ve got an important note for everyone here. There are a few salty mixed nuts in the break room that we’d like to offer everyone—especially our hard-working friends in the Theatrical Productions department.

I’m not sure exactly who brought the nuts in. Sam assures me the Mind-Control department isn’t even working on mind-control drugs in tree nut or legume form, so I’m sure they’re absolutely, positively not from him.

Before we shove these salty mixed nuts down the mouths of our beloved Theatrical Productions department, I’d like to take a few moments to tell everyone a bit more about Theatrical Productions—or as we call them in the administrative offices, “TP.”

Led by the intrepid Ramekin Boyd, TP is responsible for some absolutely fantasmagoric productions. Assistant head Alycee Absess, for example, recently directed a production of Wicked at a 48-seat black box theatre in Ogden, Utah, that managed to lose only $360,000 in a four-week run that the Ogden Standard-Examiner described as “Spare and blandly competent, with songs that were written by Stephen Schwartz and accompanied by a pianist, who also portrayed Fiyero.” Meanwhile, Assistant Props Mistress Rielle Dorfendorfer found an amazing stuffed cormorant at a second-hand store in Alpharetta, Georgia, that would make a cracking buzzard for a production of Porgy and Bess if Tams-Witmark decides to ever return our calls asking to buy the rights to mount the show.

Anyhow, we want to show our appreciation to the Theatrical Productions department for all of their work, which is truly one of Karismatiq Omnicorp’s crown jewels and absolutely perfect just the way they are. So we’re going to make sure they get the first dose of salty mixed nuts administered in closely controlled circumstances. TP folks, please stay in your department, while some very nice and burly men and women from Karismatiq Omnicorp’s SHIP group (Suppression of Hostile or Indesirable People) will come and get you and lead you to your nuts. Hope you’re hungry, because these are not optional.

After TP has had theirs, it’s likely there will be a few pistachios, so please partake. As long as you won’t be driving, operating heavy machinery, or listening to any music or talk radio that encourages taking up arms against the wealthy or Karismatiq Omnicorp. You will be held accountable for all actions you take under the influence of these salty mixed nuts. Which will be none, because they are perfectly, completely normal.


“Keep your face to the sunshine, and you cannot see a shadow.” — Helen Keller 😀

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