Free in the Break Room: Gourmet Frightfetti Popcorn

One tube of Gourmet Frightfetti PopcornFrom: Vern Motif, Head of Seasonal Supplies.

I’m sure many of you have heard some rumors about the Seasonal Supplies Unit that I was recently transferred to, so in the interest of full disclosure I’d like to explain precisely what is happening.

Up until three weeks ago, we had a doubleplussecret handshake agreement contract with the United States Department of Shadow Agriculture to provide special genetically augmented corn seed to selected family farmers. These seeds appeared normal to all concerned, but upon growing, the corn would be purple green, and orange—all colors that normal sweet corn rarely comes in—and coated with drizzles of a creamy white substance that may very will grant consumers super powers.

This was a win-win-win proposition for us all, as farmers enjoyed the inspirational experience of seeing a brand-new product class being forced upon them without their consent or prior knowledge, Karismatic Omnicorp also received lucrative contracts for hologram projectors, speakers pre-loaded with frightening sounds that could be discretely placed in corn fields, and monster masks, and the USDSA could pick up the fields the terrified farmers abandoned at rock-bottom prices and sell them to Monsanto at a significant markup to help fund military operations around the world.

Unfortunately, a moron in a green T-shirt and his big dog and his really annoying little dog were all really toked up one day, and they decided to eat their way through one of the fields we targeted, and they liked our special corn, and it didn’t kill anyone, and apparently they’ve got millions of followers on Instagram or TBS or whatever, and now everybody wants some of our gourmet Frightfetti popcorn.

We do not believe public opinion is accurate or legally justified, and we are confident that we will eventually prevail in this dispute. However, until that time, we will evaluate all options, including forming a contract with another shadow government agency whose goal it is to drive small farmers from their land.

In order to apply some legal pressure, we have chosen the path of radical transparency by releasing gourmet Frightfetti popcorn as a commercial product. It will be available in overpriced boutique shops and at Harlem Globetrotters games. We anticipate the shame of this juxtaposition will provide all the incentive the USDSA needs to redouble its efforts to boost our profits. Just try running a government agency serving rural communities these days that also uses talented black people to promote itself! They’ll be crawling back to us in a nanosecond.

In the meantime, if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, Vern Motif, head of Seasonal Supplies.

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