Free in the Break Room: Skittles

Open bag of skittles, with no visible green ones.From: Stefan Corrivailles, Operations Chief

We’ve brought in a bag of Skittles for everyone to enjoy. But we’d like to ask everyone to be very careful.

You’ve probably noticed that we’ve painstakingly removed all of the green Skittles from the bag. This was something extremely important to our Sales Department. As I’m sure you all know, the Sales Department has extraordinarily detailed requirements in order to provide the high level of lead generation, inside sales, telemarketing, account management, client servicing, upselling, and vending machine installation that we’ve come to expect. For example, standard office seating can lead to gluteal cramping and rickets, which would severely reduce the amount of time spent our staff are able to spend selling and their effectiveness. As a result, Sales Manager Deb Mantisse’s office has been equipped with a round waterbed fitted with squeegieable vinyl sheets to ensure each of our salespeople’s limberness and pressure point reduction.

Similarly, crisp and clear communication among sales staff and with our customers is absolutely critical, and as modern telephone technology sometimes simply won’t provide the standards that they need to ensure the accurate flow of information, the sales staff is obligated to hold meetings with each other and all of our customers in person, at a resort in the Caribbean where they can focus on each other without the distractions of inclement weather, children, or clothing.

As I’m sure you can guess, the Sales Department’s contract with the Operations Department is well over three hundred and seventeen pages long, and we don’t expect every Karismatiq Omnicorp employee to have read and internalized it thoroughly. The Operations Department has, however, and we noted the clause on page one hundred and ninety-seven that prohibits any green Skittles in any shared spaces on Karismatiq Omnicorp property.

We have chosen to comply. We don’t want a repeat of the Baby Alive Poop Explosion incident, do we?

So please, whatever you do, do not introduce any green Skittles into the break room. We don’t have the budget for that much Windex.

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