From: Betty from HR
I’d like to make another kind reminder that we at Karismatiq Omnicorp have a zero-tolerance policy toward usage of addictive drugs other than those that we produce.
We have discovered a literal dime bag in the break room. While Karismatiq Omnicorp fully supports the use of the break room to share food, clothing, furnishings, hardware, and other necessities with co-workers as a means of reducing the need for a living wage, but we cannot accept the distribution of illegal materials.
As, ahem, some of you know, dime bags are a common method of distributing illicit substances. Our Suspicious Package Opening and Containment Division tested this dime bag and found it contains tomatoes, which is a truly nefarious method of drug transmission that they have never before seen.
Our previous round of drug testing failed to uncover the culprits. We believe that this is because our previous email provided warning to enable our drug-using employees to cover their tracks. This round of tests will be truly randomized, between the dates of December 13 and December 16. All staff will be tested. (Managers will, naturally, be exempt, as we don’t want any of them going to prison.)
Drug use is a serious problem that has been linked with 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and a 12% decrease in workplace productivity. Together, we can make our dream of a drug-free workplace a reality.
Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”—Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 😀