From: Zeke Pinball, head of Canine, Bear, and Walrus Products
It’s time to think about man’s best friend. Many people have dogs, and they can be just like one of the family. Usually grandma, since she drools a lot and poops on newspaper and has fleas and is way better than you’d expect at frisbee and likes to sniff butts.
Much like grandma, dogs like to complain a lot if they’re not fed. Fortunately, the break room is here to help. We’ve got handy-dandy coupons to help you stretch your canine (or grandma) food dollar. You can save $1.00 on Beneful dog food, which is full of benes. Or maybe you’d like to save $3.00 on Abound, which actually contains more than 6 bounds in every bag, although they’re a lot smaller than you’d expect. There’s $4.00 that you could save on Rachael Ray Nutrish, which is made by the host of a television food show because she’s not actually very good at cooking and what she makes is only suitable for canines or old people. And worst of all, you could save $5.00 on Nutro, which is practically the same as feeding sawdust and ebola to your basset hound (or your Bubbie).
Spoiler alert: This is a secret test of how much you love your Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever (or your Nana). If you snatch the $5.00 coupon, you’re announcing to the world that your only interested in meeting the absolute minimum standard of feeding (or “feeding”) your “beloved” mutt (or Mémé) while saving as much money as possible for yourself to add to your collection of adult coloring books. The $1.00 coupon, on the other hand, shows that you’re willing to spend a little more, sacrificing one and a quarter adult coloring books in the process, so your Nana (or Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever, or maybe both) can have something slightly more nourishing and stimulating than Alpo’s Nuggets o’ Dust.
There was probably a $2.00 coupon at some point, and presumably whoever brought them in used it, which tells you where they stand.