From: Deb Mantisse, Sales Manager
I’ve got some great news for all of you. There is a bottle of Silkience Salon Series New Advanced Pro Formula Hydrating Shampoo with Provitamin B5 and Avocado Oil in the break room.
Now, that is the good stuff. You know because it’s got a lot of words and it comes in a 32-ounce bottle.
Because someone, Carmen, has a hairdo that looks like a rhinocerous had diarrhea in a hurricane, and I figured we should give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, she’s as crap at selling as she is at fixing her hair. She probably can’t afford shampoo on commissions from her $18 contracts.
Of course, some of you might be able to afford shampoo, but you’re just wondering whether or not you should bother with some of the basics of personal hygiene. So let me assure you, it is. This shampoo has an advanced pro formula. There’s no basic formula here. It’s not that Pert Plus crap you get in the grocery store you buy when they’re out of condoms.
It’s got avocado oil, and they don’t call avocado “nature’s butter” for nothing. I used avocado oil last weekend when I took a private jet to Japan with a very special man for one of the most athletically, exhaustingly erotic fourteen hours of my life. (Plus two hours for bathing, squeegeeing, and shopping for an authentic rice cooker.) That warming, earthy slipperiness turned my partner’s thrusts into four-and-a-half inch nuclear bombs of pure ecstacy.
So, please, use some of the shampoo if you need to wash your hair or if you’re having any little erotic adventures in your own office. (After all, we can’t all go to Japan for conversation, massage, sucking, puppetry, chickens, persimmons, maid outfits, ramen noodles, pachinko, ping-pong ball shooting, and karaoke, but everyone deserves a bit of pin-cleaving.) Just be sure you save some for Carmen, who really, really needs it.
By the way, if anyone’s cooking any stir-fry, you can get some tasty rice in Xavier’s office on five.