From: Chadwick St. Malore, Location Scout, Karismatiq Omnicorp Filmworks
Hey there, Beautifuls! I just got back from an AMAZING trip down to Florida scouting locations for Karismatiq Omnicorp’s movie production division.
Believe me, I know how lucky I am taking all of these fantastic trips on the company dime, especially after how our big film from last year, The Man with Two Hearts in a City with None, was savaged by critics when we used Kankakee, Illinois to stand in for New York, and only took in $12,000 at the box office. Fortunately, we’re doing well in the streaming and DVD markets, and it was even the #1 rental at Family Video for six weeks. So you know that I’m not bankrupting the company with my extravagant trips full of drinking and whores! (Ha ha ha—J/K!)
Anyhow, just because I was super-busy finding some INCREDIBLE locations for our next movie, Mermaids from Outer Space, that doesn’t mean I forgot about all of my friends back here at the big K-O! I wanted to bring back a bit of Florida to share with you all.
I had some signed photos of Pitbull, the rapper, for everyone, but unfortunately a python ate it while I was returning my rental convertible. No, seriously, there are pythons everywhere down there. It’s a big fad to get a python for a pet, but then people realize they don’t want a python for a pet, so they take it to the nearest swamp and let it go, only everyplace is a swamp, so there are pythons everywhere.
I was going to bring some conch fritters and oysters, but it turns out seafood DOES NOT travel well! It’s a good thing I needed to replace my luggage to keep up with next year’s styles anyhow, because they made a MESS!
I wanted to bring in some Girls Gone Wild videos, but ol’ Betty from HR put the kibosh on that! (J/K Miss Betty—you know I luv ya! And I think I saw your sister!)
Fortunately, I was able to bring in these key lime pie-flavored goo-filled Twizzlers, which offer the flavor of Florida in a convenient, easily traveling package. You’re gonna love them! Just don’t try to use them as straws to suck up your cappuccinos—that filling is thick, so you’ll give yourself an aneurism trying to get the java to flow!
Hmm, that’s actually a good idea. Mick! Let’s put that scene into our next film. It’ll give us pathos and gravitas and that kind of stuff that wins awards.
Enjoy the Twizzlers, folks. They’re delish!