From: Betty from HR
We at Karismatiq Omnicorp have a zero-tolerance policy toward usage of addictive drugs other than those that we produce.
This is why we were so horrified to see these three slices of marijuana-laden pizza appear in the break room. We were shocked to imagine that any of our employees could be so brazen about their drug usage as to leave such obvious evidence in a place of employment.
We have no choice but to conduct drug testing of all employees apart from managers immediately. These tests will require samples of blood, urine, hair, saliva, and much, much more. We do not intend to be needlessly intrusive, but they are the only way we can possibly tell who is using drugs and who is not. Everyone who is innocent has nothing to fear. Plus, the cost of testing our entire staff apart from managers should have no more than a 0.01% impact on corporate profits. Our vendor has decided to very economically re-use needles and pass the savings on to us.
We realize that some people do not believe that marijuana is a serious problem in this country, so we have prepared this primer. Marijuana, or cannabis, is a psychoactive drug responsible for 32% of deaths in this country. It is highly addictive, reduces brain functioning, increases appetite, impairs memory, and can for some people even lead to dry mouth. One of the most common ways of consuming cannabis is in the form of an oil used in food preparation that contains the compound cannabidiol, or CBD, which is how we know that this pizza is so dangerous.
Sure, the box says CBR, not CBD, but that’s because you potheads can’t even spell. Please report to the lobby for fluid extraction immediately.
Remember: A smile is the only gift that you keep when you give it away. 😀