Free in the Break Room: Microwave Kettle Corn

Box of microwave kettle corn with a Cub Scout on the front.From: Dick Thomas, Chief Farmer, Agricultural Products Department.

A great big how-do-you-do from the Karismatiq Omnicorp’s FEELDs (Fertility Emulating Ersatz Lunchmaking Dungeons), where the weather is always sunny, the rains are always gentle, and the people are always, always, always polite and generous. We’ve been hard at work on a brand-new product that we think is going to delight and amaze you all.

What’s your favorite food at the county fair, apart from funnel cakes, cotton candy, snow cones, corn dogs, deep-fried candy bars, and Mrs. Calaban’s World-Famous Apple Pie Made With Lard? It’s kettle corn!

That sweet, salty, fatty, caramelly, slightly radioactive treat just screams America, much the way that Karismatiq Omnicorp does. But unlike America, and Karismatiq Omnicorp, kettle corn does have a small drawback. You see, you need a kettle to make kettle corn. And you also need corn.

Or do you?

That’s right. Coming to you direct from America’s Heartland, the Karismatiq Omnicorp Agricultural Products Department, is a revolution in snacking technology. After three years of painstaking research, we’ve managed to create a microwavable kettle corn substitute that requires no kettle and no corn to produce.

How did we do it? Well, that’s a trade secret, and we wouldn’t want any of you leaking our technology to the Soviets. We’re not going to lose the Cold War, don’tcha know! But I can give you a hint, and casually observe that a lot of food packages have a picture of what’s inside them.

By the way, Scouting is an incredible organization, and we’re going to need everyone to enroll at least one of their less critical children in it immediately.

Enjoy the kettle corn. It pops!

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