From: Deb Mantisse, Sales Manager.
Hi everyone. Deb Mantisse here, your friendly neighborhood sales manager. Precisely three months ago, I threw down the gauntlet: I promised a big ice cream party for the whole Karismatiq Omnicorp family if we all buckled down and made our quarterly sales goals.
Well, I’m happy to report that we came close. We increased sales by 2.2% quarter over quarter, which was just short of our goal of 3%. So I decided to go ahead and bring in some lovely waffle bowls for you all to enjoy your ice cream in.
You’ll have to supply your own ice cream, of course. Mantisse-provided ice cream is for winners, which none of you are, except for Xavier up on five in the office next to mine with a secret passageway to mine that nobody knows about and that we never use for sex, who single-handedly reinvigorated the previously moribund Albuquerque market. (Both of them, if you know what I mean!) I’ll bring him his milky goodness tonight.
The rest of you, enjoy your icy creamy shame. Or not. In fact, since you’re all so bad at selling, you’re probably too poor to afford your own ice cream, which is the only way you’re going to get some. So let me generously offer you some tasty alternatives that are within your budget.
- Sawdust. Add a little water so it’s sticky and squeeze it together—it’ll look just like a nice scoop of Freedom vanilla! (We’re still not allowed to use the “French” word, right?)
- Mashed Potato. In some fancy cities, there are entire restaurants dedicated to making food that’s not dessert look like dessert and vice versa. You’ll be like a trendy person, despite those hideous shoes.
- Tofu. You’ve probably already got plenty—I bet that’s all you eat! (j/k! I know some of you also eat brown rice. I’ve smelled fartiness in the non-executive microwave!)
- Baby. It’s tender and flavorful, full of beta-carotene and Omega-3s, and one less mouth for you to have to feed.