Free in the Break Room: Two Cans of Shaving Cream

Two cans of Jurassic World-themed shaving creamFrom: Ross Valentine, Head of Cross-Promotions and Pastries

Yo, yo, yo, whuddup? I gots some sweet cream for youz to squirt all over yo face, yo! We wuz making a special pastry that was all full up with some apple in like a Danish form for this chick who’s the niece of the sister of the best friend of the brother of Chris Pratt’s assistant’s driver, and she was all like, “Yo, dudez, this is so fly. I already paids you but I just gots to give you sumpin’ extra ‘cause this crust is buttery and flaky like my mom’s ass.” And I’m lookin’ around like, yo, whuts about to go down, is this shizz for reals, and I’m real excited, cuz my female left me six years ago and it is hard to get back into datin’ the ladies when you is fitty tree.

Anyhow, the girl comes back into the room, and she is just holdin’ her two giant cans in front of her, and she’s like, yo, you want some of dis? And she holds them out and they got these sweet-ass dinosaurs on the front, and I’m like, “those dinosaurs are sweet ass,” and she’s like, “Yeah, my aunt’s brother’s best friend’s brother’s boss’s boss totally thought people were going to wanna buy shaving cream after they saw his movie, but it turns out they didn’t, so they got 3.2 million dimebags of the stuff and he’s tryin’ to get rid of it so he can make room in his crib for some boot-bangin.’ And I’m like, yo, that is crazy, cuz when I see a dinosaur, I think of how I need some aloe vera on my face.

And she gives me the cans, and then she’s like, yo, get out, it’s almost time for Judge Mathis, and I need to replace the batts in my quaker baker. And I’m like, no probs, catch you on the flippy, and if nots, I gots my sweet BARBASOOOOO! But then I got back to the office and I realized, yo, I’m not actually capable of growin’ facial hair, even tho I had that sweet mustache when I dressed as Willie Ho-Ho Taft for Halloweenie last year (It turnz out you can get a sweet-ass stache in a costume shot).

So I gets back to the office and I think, yo, what am I gonna do with these cans o cream, and then I think, K-O co-workers in da hizzouse! So they is in the break room for anyone who’s got a hairy face but wants it to be as soft as a pile of powder. Have at it!

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