Free in the Break Room: Domino’s Pizza Napkins

Large bag of napkins from Domino's PizzaFrom: Vern Motif, Head of Pizza Delivery Subcontracting

I’m sure that many of you have heard some rumors about the Pizza Delivery Subcontracting Unit, so in the interest of full disclosure I’d like to explain precisely what is happening.

Up until three weeks ago, we did have a nonexclusive nonconsensual value-added contract with Domino’s Pizza to provide last-mile pizza delivery assistance services in selected areas when our drivers pushed their vehicles off the road and commandeered the pizzas while leaving their drivers to fend for themselves against antelopes, wolverines, or constipation. This was a win-win-win proposition for us all, as Karismatiq Omnicorp developed a steady and lucrative business in a large and stable market with very little overhead, Domino’s saved a tremendous amount on fuel costs, continuing wages, and tips that drivers steadfastly refused to turn over to the company the way all morality demands, and customers enjoyed meeting new people while they received their pizza and periodically experienced the pleasure of driving past a horrifying car wreck and slowing down to gape at it while feeling morally superior to the obviously unsafe driver and blocking everyone else on the road.

Unfortunately, Domino’s has decided, for the time being, that this contract does not exist, and is in fact a crime, and if we continue to execute it as faithfully as we have they will take legal action against us.

We do not believe their reading of this situation is accurate or legally justified, and we are confident that we will eventually prevail in this dispute. However, until that time, we will evaluate all options, including forming a contract with another B-to-C pizza delivery retailer.

Our first choice, naturally, is to continue our contract with Domino’s, and we plan to marshal all of our resources to achieve that goal. In order to apply a certain amount of pressure, after negotiations broke down during our last visit to their corporate headquarters, we absconded with their corporate napkins.

Try running a pizza delivery business without napkins, Domino’s! Pepperoni grease will fly all over the place like slobber when a St. Bernard shakes its head.

And look at this bag. It’s huge! We’re pretty sure we got every napkin Domino’s has. They’ll be crawling back to us in a heartbeat.

If you have any questions, please get in touch with me, Vern Motif, head of Pizza Delivery Subcontracting.

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