Friends, let me level with you. It’s rare that we in the Department of Investigations come across something that stumps us, but this might be it. When we first saw that someone had brought three bottles of extra bold cocktail sauce made with freshly grated horseradish, we figured something was odd. I mean, how strange it is to bring three bottles of extra bold cocktail sauce made with freshly grated horseradish anywhere, let alone an office break room?
But then I did a bit more digging, because I had never heard the brand name “Tulkoff” before, and I was intrigued as to where it might have come from.
Having conducted my research, I’m not entirely sure it’s possible to purchase Tulkoff products.
Their website does promise that “Grocery consumers of our products can continue to enjoy the same level of quality products as they did 85 years ago,” but it does not specify where one can become a grocery consumer of these products.
Their “Retail” page provides an opportunity for you to request information, but those web forms are always dire black pits of doom from which no electronicness can emerge.
I tried their Facebook, and I’m not the first person to be curious. Back in 2015, Sandy asked where she can by Tulkoff Extra Hot Horseradish. She left a message on their information email and got no response. Tulkoff Food Products responded thusly: Thanks for reaching out Sandy! Please contact our customer service department at (800) 638-7343 between 8am-5pm EST.
There is an online store, but it’s unclear if it’s actually connected to the company, because it has a separate URL and it’s labeled as “About my shop” and described as “A store devoted to fans of Tulkoff Food Products, where ALL proceeds are donated to Operation Ward 57 to support wounded service members and their loved ones.” So I’m guessing it’s an unlicensed fan site selling illicit cocktail sauces that are out of date and potentially counterfeit and maybe not even real.
But then, where did the three bottles come from?
I’m so confused.
Please don’t lose faith in the Karismatiq Omnicorp Department of Investigations. Some mysteries simply aren’t meant to be understood.