Our esteemed CEO, Renee Fledgeling, has noted the incredible sadness, depression, and occasional suicide in the wake of Karismatiq Omnicorp’s recent loss of Socky the Ledge Sock. She would like to urge everyone not to kill themselves in grief. We are not a Romeo and Juliet theme park, as that project was cancelled in its early phases, largely because the funereal cost projections were completely out of hand.
If you are still feeling sad, Renee would like to encourage you to think about some of the happy memories that we all share from having Socky the Ledge Sock in our lives for eleven years, the excellent work he did with the Twelve Threads initiative, and the fact that in the wake of his passing Karismatiq Omnicorp’s Grief Counseling Department has exceeded its goals and improved profits by more than 17% year over year. The cafeteria has also seen record demand for Certs brand breath mints, which we weren’t aiming for, but which will certainly be a nice boost for our bottom line with the end of the fiscal quarter coming up.
In addition, while nothing can possibly replace Socky the Ledge Sock in our hearts, Renee has replaced Socky on the ledge. Sharp-eyed observers may have noted that as of two days ago, a black Sharpie has taken up residence on the ledge outside the break room. We have named her Penny the Ledge Pen, and we are absolutely certain that she will delight us for years to come with her bold strokes and charming antics.
So please, Renee would like everyone to stop being sad, and everyone who would still like to kill themselves are reminded that Karismatiq Omnicorp’s policy on suicides, which states that all attempts should take place on personal time and outside of Karismatiq Omnicorp property.
Special Assistant to and on behalf of CEO Renee Fledgeling