Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry… August!
Y’know, peppermint is a stupid Christmas flavor. It’s cooling, so we don’t need it in the middle of freakin’ winter. That’s why I decided to bring in a whole box of candy canes into work now. It’s August and it’s 92 degrees on a good day with 500 percent humidity and they try not to run the air conditioning here much because the company is trying to go green and also because it turned out somebody died in it and running the air distributes the stench of decay throughout the building. Mostly you should blame the environmentalists, though.
We spend all our days fighting those enviro-Nazis for a better world and we deserve a little comfort now and then. We’re practically Jesus, and this is our myrrh.
(Some of them might be a little stale, and there’s actually kind of a good chance that the wrapper has fused with the candy in some cases, so if that happens, try to spit out the plastic before you swallow the candy cane. I mean, not because the plastic is harmful—our company would never acknowledge such a scientifically dubious and frankly reckless statement—but it might impede some of the peppermint flavor’s cooling action, which would be a shame.)
Note to the Flavorings, Extracts, and Dressings (FED) Department: Please run the numbers on costs and revenues related to expanding the peppermint season to August. Keep in mind that if this works, we may attempt the same with other seasonal flavorings like pumpkin spice, Peep, McDonalds’ McRib sauce, and cherry cordial goo. I’ll expect a report by Monday.