Many of you have already heard the very sad news, but we have confirmed it and it is time for an official announcement.
Socky, the sock that has rested on the ledge outside the break room for eleven years, lost his battle against gravity, the elements, and starlings last night at approximately 8:17 p.m.
We can take comfort in the fact that he passed peacefully, after that bird cruelly ripped him from his perch, shredded his fibers with its beak, and wove them into a nest where a generation of baby birds will hatch and poop on him.
Socky was responsible for creating Karismatiq Omnicorp’s Twelve Threads initiative, which provided hemming assistance to underprivileged inner-city youth. In his spare time, he supported the Columbus Crew football club and was a passionate opera fan who got to live his life’s dream by appearing onstage in a production of Rigoletto, protecting the Duke’s modesty.
While Socky’s will specified that no funeral should take place, all are welcome to share their memories of Socky at a remembrance ceremony to be held at 6:30 p.m. on Friday. (All employees regularly scheduled to work after 6:30 p.m. on Friday are welcome to attend, with their supervisor’s permission and after making arrangements to make up the time.
For the next three months, Karismatiq Omnicorp’s Grief Counseling Department will be available to all employees. They have a stretch goal of increasing profits by 8.2% this quarter, so please, take full advantage of their services.
Socky is survived by his daughter Tubey, who’s stuck in that gutter over on Third Street that floods every time it rains, and his cousin Hoser, an over-the-calf nylon made of fabric that makes him look like a shark is eating your leg that was made to appeal to the burgeoning hipster market, who is currently hanging over the stall of one of Microsoft’s executive washrooms in Seattle.
RIP, Socky. We’ll all miss you.