Free in the Break Room: Salt and Pepper

Salt and pepper packets in a basketPicture this: You’re eating something.

It’s food.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum]

It’s food… but it’s just a wee bit bland.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum]

Maybe it’s chicken that’s a bit dry.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum dum dum]

Or maybe it’s a grapefruit that’s way too bitter.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum dum dummmmm!]

So how do you fix it? You don’t want to use saffron—it’s way too expensive.

[Doo-doo-doo]

You can’t use bay leaves—no one actually knows what they taste like.

[Doo-doo-doo]

And there’s no way you’re going to use cilantro, because that’s just Satan’s dong sweat.

[Doo-doo-doo-doo!]

Fortunately, some kind soul has predicted your predicament and was predisposed to provide predigestory aids in a predigital way, predicated upon your predilection for piquance.

[Wah-waaaaaaah!]

[The break room darkens. Laser lights begin shooting from the sink, the refrigerator, and the left microwave. The right microwave’s laser lights are supposed to fire, but do not.]

In other words, salt! And pepper!

[Pow-pow, pow-pow, pow pow pow pow pow!]

Sprinkle them on your sausages, use them to baste your brisket—there’s so many ways to use them to vitalize your vittles!

[Pow-pow, pow-pow, pow pow pow!]

There are a million, billion ways your life will be made better by salt.

[Ba-bow!]

And pepper.

[Ba-bow!]

And individual packets thereof!

[Ba-bow!]

 

 

You’re totally just going to eat the salt and pepper raw on its own, aren’t you?

 

[Wah-wah-wah-wa-a-a-a-a-ah]

 

 

God, I hate this company.

 

 

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