Free in the Break Room: Salt and Pepper

Salt and pepper packets in a basketPicture this: You’re eating something.

It’s food.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum]

It’s food… but it’s just a wee bit bland.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum]

Maybe it’s chicken that’s a bit dry.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum dum dum]

Or maybe it’s a grapefruit that’s way too bitter.

[Dum-dum dum-dum dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum dum dummmmm!]

So how do you fix it? You don’t want to use saffron—it’s way too expensive.


You can’t use bay leaves—no one actually knows what they taste like.


And there’s no way you’re going to use cilantro, because that’s just Satan’s dong sweat.


Fortunately, some kind soul has predicted your predicament and was predisposed to provide predigestory aids in a predigital way, predicated upon your predilection for piquance.


[The break room darkens. Laser lights begin shooting from the sink, the refrigerator, and the left microwave. The right microwave’s laser lights are supposed to fire, but do not.]

In other words, salt! And pepper!

[Pow-pow, pow-pow, pow pow pow pow pow!]

Sprinkle them on your sausages, use them to baste your brisket—there’s so many ways to use them to vitalize your vittles!

[Pow-pow, pow-pow, pow pow pow!]

There are a million, billion ways your life will be made better by salt.


And pepper.


And individual packets thereof!




You’re totally just going to eat the salt and pepper raw on its own, aren’t you?





God, I hate this company.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s