Free in the Break Room: Canned Goods (1 Each: Cut Green Beans, Mandarin Oranges, Chunky Diced Peaches, and Sweet Peas)

Canned goods: Green beans, mandarins, peaches, and sweet peasThe end of the world is nigh.

I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but if you’re not a doomsday prepper, you are destined to join the food chain for doomsday preppers. Perhaps you will be the first level, as those who have prepared better than you nevertheless must resort to cannibalism to extend their miserable existences for one more day. Perhaps you will be the second level of the food chain, devoured by a desperate cow who can’t locate grain, can’t produce milk, and will ultimately be slaughtered for vague and stringy meat that carries the parasite that launches a plague—an unholy blend of zombieism and Mad Cow Disease—on humanity, giving those who long to shoot people an excuse to fondle their rifle triggers before being absolutely certain of the intentions of the fuzzy shape it’s pointed at. Mayhap you’ll dwell on the third level, devoured by bears and turtles and sharks and other carnivores or omnivores, who will survive relatively unmolested as the apexes of their own predatory chains—which will most likely come to include humans as well, as the social and built environments that provide us our great survival advantages break down like poorly baked bread in a bucket of hot water. Or perhaps you’ll join the great base of the food web, dying of relatively natural causes connected to starvation, decomposed by bugs and worms and scorpions, until the nutrients in your body are defecated out as rich soil that nourishes plant life, that in turn nourishes animals that nourish the humans wily enough to survive.

Fortunately, these four cans ought to delay any of that happening for at least a week, you lucky turd.

Also, there are still a few tiny apples.

EDITED: It’s five days later. Someone took the beans. Seriously, they had a choice and they wanted green beans. Let’s hope they get eaten first.

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