Hi, everyone. It’s me, Paul.
I prepared some of my world-famous veggie wraps especially for all of you. They’ve got some tasty carrot, crisp spinach, sharp red onion, and sweet red pepper, all wrapped up in a soft tortilla better than mom or dad used to make, even if mom or dad were a professional tortilla artist who won the 2003 Lifetime Achievement Award from the International Association of Tortilla, Flatbread, and Naan Makers.
Most of you already know this. This note is not for you.
This note is for those three motherfucking assclowns who have thus far REFUSED TO EAT THEIR MOTHERFUCKING VEGGIE WRAPS!
My goal—the only thing I want or have ever wanted—is to make sure you are highly satisfied, and I can’t do that unless you eat your motherfucking veggie wrap.
But instead you’re ignoring me like I’m some bum masturbating in the subway.
Have any of you pieces of shit ever even eaten a vegetable? I kind of doubt it, considering how fat you all are and how bad the bathroom smells even when nobody’s been in it for a half hour and how much gout the cleaning crew finds each night ground into the carpet.
OK, fine. I know what it takes to motivate you lazy sacks of crap. I’ll give you 50 points if you eat your fatherguzzling veggie wrap and fill out a donkey-rimming survey. Collect 2100 points and you can win a free T-shirt with the company logo, and you don’t care that it’s only available in small and in poop brown because I said “win” and “points” and that’s how sad you all are.
Goddamn it, I hope you all get leprosy of the intestines.
Next week I’m bringing mini-quiches, and I expect better from you, or else the next week I’ll be bringing a flamethrower.
Now have an amazing day, and I’ll see you all at the company softball game tonight. Let’s smash those jerks from the hospital!